37 Scottish Tweets That Are Pure Dead Brilliant

If you haven't yet experienced the delight that is Scottish Twitter, nae bother because we've got a great selection of entertaining tweets that will give you a taste of some pure Scottish wit. For all the dafties out there who cannae understand one word of Scots, we've translated some of these tweets just for fun.

01

via @FrogCroakley

A scotch egg is a hard or soft boiled egg wrapped in sausage meat and sometimes breadcrumbs.
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02

via @Sean67_
03

via u/UnemployedAndUnfunny

Translation:
Me convincing myself in the pub bathroom mirror that I'm not completely wasted.
04

via @ciderbams
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05

via @Daniel_Leonard

Translation:
It's not even a hangover I get anymore, it's more like being a pubic hair away from becoming extinct. Solid 12 hours lying in bed trying to communicate with god to see if he'll do me a favor and either kill me or fix me.
06

via @Sayers33
07

via @roobsleiser

Translation:
Woman goes to the dentists and gets in the chair.
"Where do you come from?"
"Govan (Glasgow)"
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08

via @soopdug

Translation:
Don't care if this vaccine makes us grow a third leg, just means I'll be able to walk to the pubs faster.
09

via @carricknrm

Translation:
Using my gold trimmer on a boy at work and he goes, "did you unlock that after 500 haircuts?" Genuinely the best line I've heard in a while.
10

via @PaulDock93
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11

via @sdel6795

Translation:
A woman took a sh*t so bad today in my work that the little woman who owns the place was in the kitchen crying and saying 'I don't know if this is for me anymore.' A shit so powerful it makes you reconsider your career path.
12

via @LiamFlannigan1

Translation:
Don't text your boss when you're still wasted.
13

via @petramarton8
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14

via @milicopeland

Actually, peridottea91 is wrong. Irn-Bru isn't coffee, it's Scotland's most popular soda and 'other national drink' (after whiskey).
15

via @cannyswim

Translation:
Police brutality in America is f*cking awful. Police in Scotland probably flip coins for who's knocking the door and who's doing the talking.
16

via @_MikeAdams

Translation:
I'd be so mad if I was a detection dog. A dog with a job. All your pals down at the park sniffing assh*les and you can't because you're on the late shift.
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17

via @GerryBhoy81
18

via @JohnMcKenzie88

Translation:
How good does it feel coming home every day to a little excited face all happy to see you jumping up and down barking. Love my little grandma.
19

via @AdamDrummond14

Translation:
I don't understand fussy eaters man and people who don't like sauce, how can you not like sauce, you need a sauce, I don't care what kind of sauce you get, just don't have no sauce.
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20

via @gracelynch2114
21

via @Lynn_Nothegger
22

via @joeheenan
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23

via r/ScottishPeopleTwitter

Translation:
Out from Friday 'til Monday morning without sleeping, left a party full of guys saying no chance I was making it, had to prove them wrong so went home, quick shower, taxi down (asked the driver if I looked okay - he lied) to work a 9-5 shift, lasted the full day as well.
24

via @Barcajim3
25

via @ryankingg

Translation:
Just saw a woman shouting at her kid to put his underwear on, then pointed at me saying "look the man's gonna steal your willy." Wtf no I'm not.
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26

via @jonnycardle
27

via @naevaypal
28

via u/GhastlyCain
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29

via @scuttlingtaxis
30

via @DivWilsonnn
31

via @montyyy_x

Translation:
Sleeping naked is all well and good until your mom whips the covers off you in the morning to wake you up and you're sitting with your genitals out.
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32

via @Boyle_67

Translation:
Dad came home drunk after he went out 8:30 this morning to play golf, did my mom scream and shout? Nope, she put him straight to bed, and that's the sign of a good Catholic marriage. If he's done anything wrong, God will get him. She's watching MasterChef and can't be bothered.
33

via @asadxafghan
34

via u/Elgarr2